taking back control #control #MyFibroJournal

Taking Back Control

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February 15, 2016

What a long and emotionally exhausting day! I’m glad it’s coming to an end, so I can start over tomorrow, God willing.

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My grandmother watched our youngest daughter so that my husband and I could spend the day together while the kids were at school. We have been looking forward to a day like today for the longest time. I was so glad to finally have it!

After we put our kids on the bus, my husband and I darted off to McDs for a sausage biscuit. I don’t usually eat their food because it hurts my stomach, but the biscuits generally don’t. With a little grape jam, it was delicious!

The remainder of the morning was leisure shopping for our oldest son’s upcoming birthday as well as searching for second hand furniture. We are on the hunt for Pokemon cards, and learning how to play it. If you know how to play or know the basic components needed to play the game, please please contact me. Thank you!

I found a really cool book lamp, too!

This is where the day takes a 180 degree turn.

Even though I thought it was a bad idea, we attempted to file our taxes. The tax preparer said that our W-2s indicated that we had too many exemptions, and not enough federal and state taxes were taken out throughout the year. We didn’t understand how that could be, but found that we had typed a ‘1’ in front of the ‘4’ for deductions. That made a HUGE difference in filing. We now owe money rather than receiving money.

This was a devastating blow to our plans for our tax return money. All the house repairs, debt payoff, and Christmas vacation we had planned was immediately undone. At this point, we would not be able to get anything repaired let alone pay off past debt and plan a vacation.

What do we do now?

I’m usually the one that is calm, reasonable, and “everything will work out”, however, after this news, I was rather upset to say the least. Not mad, but rather disappointed, and let down. It was hard to see past the tears that had filled my eyes. I was so lost on what to do.

My husband was upset, too, but more mad than anything else. Then, when he saw how upset I was getting, he calmed down, and shifted the conversation to a more reasonable one.

He suggested that maybe this is our wake-up call. That this was God’s way of pushing us to rethink our plan, and pursue what we really want to do. He wants to write, and make videos. I want to keep writing, but also have a part time job doing what I am most passionate about – God.  That maybe our pursuit of money has led us astray, and has made us lose focus on what we have been called to do.

There are few things in life I know for sure, but the few things I do know, I feel strongly about. For example, for the last few years I’ve felt pulled to be working in a church. I don’t know which one because I haven’t found a church home yet, but it’s pulled at me long enough. I don’t know what capacity I would be working, but being in the church is all I know for certain.

For my husband, I’ve always felt like he needs to be a television or YouTube or podcast personality. He’s funny and charismatic, but he’s good with people, and good at making others laugh. After a recent visit from a friend, his friend told him the same thing, and my husband finally caved into the idea. He’s currently working on contact, and has started a blog.

After this news of our tax return we discussed these topics, and how we can transition from a strenuous, demanding IT job to doing what we want to do. It’s not going to be easy. We are going to be stressed – emotionally and financially. We are going to have our doubts, uncertainness, and more. There are going to be days that we rethink what we are doing, or think what we are doing is not meeting our goals; however, if we don’t take that risk, and trust in God to take care of us during that time, we will always be wondering ‘what if’.

I don’t like ‘what if’s’. I don’t like that wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. But I don’t like this pursuit of money over happiness. It’s eating away at us, and it’s unhealthy in all the ways it can be. I’m tired of seeing my husband so stressed that he loses his appetite and interest in his hobbies. I don’t like feeling so stressed out that I trigger a flare.

Just as I have taken control of my chronic illness, I will take back control of my happiness and stress. We WILL make this work, and we will be stronger because of it.

Now, to unwind I’m going to work on this 2,000 piece puzzle with my love.

Disclaimer: Please understand that everyone is different in their journey with fibromyalgia and/or chronic illness. This is my journey, my stories, my vulnerability to share with you in order to help in some way. It is in no way to compare my journey with yours or to minimize your pains, feelings, or experiences. Please do not comment with any negativity.


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